Flip Flop

I wanted to say a little about my feelings about the Church. If you can't tell from some of my previous posts, I go back and forth a lot.

Some days, I am terribly bitter. I get upset at the institution of the Church and its leaders. I feel like I never want to step into another chapel again.

Other days, I am intensely nostalgic. I desperately miss the Church and all that it was to me during high school. It makes me really sad that this is how things have to be.

Oftentimes, I will compose a blog entry, but not post it. The next day I go back to read it and I don't feel the same way anymore, so I don't end up posting it. I suppose one day my flip-flopiness will balance out to a pleasant equilibrium, or at least that is what I hope will happen.



And this video is fantastic. Beautiful and profound.

Out and About

I officially came out to my first friend on January 29, 2008.

As of August 15, 2008, I officially have no one left on my list to come out to.

I am now completely out to everyone in my life. It feels strange; it feels surreal. I never would have thought that I would ever get to the point I am at. Throughout my adolescence my homosexuality seemed as if it was going to be something that I kept to myself my entire life. At best, I only thought a few people would ever know. Now everyone knows, and I couldn't go back even if I wanted to.

A part of me still feels vulnerable, but above all, I feel great. I don't have to hide anything from anyone anymore. I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do without worrying about other people. A lot of people don't necessarily agree with my plans for the future, but they still trust and love me and aren't going to let that get in the way of our relationship.

I feel so free and so open and so much better than I had expected.

MormenLikeMe

Here I am! The first one and the last one are especially good.

Completion

I was so happy I cried.

Censorship and Authenticity

I do not believe in censorship.

I do not believe in hiding who you are.

It is no way to live.

Therefore, I am now done with every aspect of the facade.

Every tiny aspect.

Totally, completely, one hundred percent.

Done.



My name is not neo.

My name is Thomas Edward Johnson.

I go by Tommy.

I was born on July 25, 1989, at 4:23 PM in American Fork, Utah.

I am gay.

I love who I am.

I would not change it for anything.

I attend BYU.

The link to my facebook: http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1576410040

This is what I look like.



My social security number is... just kidding.




I make a pledge, right here right now, to never delete this post.




Now, come what may.



Truth always wins out.

I <3 Rain!

I had a sudden urge to be productive and write. At first, I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized it was because it started raining outside, and rain really puts me in my groove. Oh I am such a product of Seattle.

In other news, the 7 year old girl I nanny for called me out today for wearing a girl’s shirt. In my defense, I bought it without realizing it was a girl’s shirt; it was super cheap so I just grabbed it. The design on it is gender neutral, but the fit is definitely more feminine; the neck is a little wider, the sleeves shorter, and very fitted. However, I do not say so apologetically. I am by no means opposed to wearing women’s shirts. I often browse the women’s department for clothes that I could pull off (especially the jeans). The only shirt I have bought consciously knowing it was a girl’s shirt was this one:


What can I say? It was on clearance and I needed something to wear to Pride… ;-)


Speaking of jeans, I have a funny progression in my jean sizes to describe.
In 10th grade, I used to buy size 32x32. Then I realized I was a 32x30. I had one pair of 31x30 but didn’t like them. In 12th grade, I bought two pairs of Levi’s size 30x30. That was a big step for me. One was the Slim Straight fit and I didn’t wear them for a long time because I was embarrassed that they were too tight and I felt emo. My freshman year of college they became my favorite jeans. Now, I wear those jeans when I want to wear something a little looser and more airy. The jeans I buy now are slim fitted 28x30’s. (and its not because I am skinnier) That is about as small as i can wear. Also, I regularly try on girl pants but haven’t found any I really like yet (I think I wear a size 6 though). When I do though, I will not hesitate nor be embarrassed to buy them.


The housekeeper came earlier this week and I realized that I was totally outed to her as she tidied my bathroom and room.

Incriminating Evidence:

Room:

• The rainbow “embrace diversity” banner on the dresser
• Three kinds of pink lip gloss (roll on, brush on, squeeze on) on the dest
• A copy of The Advocate on the dresser
• A flyer for a dance party coming up with Queer written in big bold letters across it on the nightstand
• 8 pairs of shoes on the floor
• My knitting on the bed
• Clothes in closet organized according to color
• etc.
  

Bathroom:

• Medicine cabinet full of hair and face products such as:
• Apricot Mango Radiance Shave Gel
  
• Herbal Essences hair spray (Cactus Flower and Bamboo scented…. Mmm)
• Rose Hip scented Herbal Essences Shampoo & Conditioner (my ALL TIME favorite)
• Garnier Fructis Molding Wax
  
• Well-used tweezers
• etc.
  

Very gay.

Bits and Pieces.

I don't feel like composing a whole post. So here are a bunch of random thoughts.



I sprained my left oblique abdominal muscle last week coughing. It really hurts.

I went to the Burlington, Vermont Pride Fest (Cirque du So Gay) recently and I LOVED it.

I am so over and done with the LDS Church.

Everyone has me feeling like I am marching off to my doom by returning to BYU, and they might be correct.

I have made a lot of friends out here in NY/VT but they all live an hour drive and a $20 ferry ticket away.

I love earl gray tea and decaf soy lattes.

I really love hazelnut espresso milkshakes. mmmm

I feel happy and satisfied with life but still feel I am in need of a good session of bawl-my-eyes out catharsis.

My favorite song of all time is Into The West, as sung by Annie Lennox.

I understand that many gay and lds people are very conflicted and are in great pain, but I don't want to be around their depression anymore.

I feel like taking a break from blogging.

I miss my friends from high school and college and church and elsewhere who are now spread across the country.

I've never been in a relationship before. I want to.

I've never tasted alcohol. I don't want to.

Two days after the consumption of caffeine, I get a migraine.

I still have issues being able to express my feelings to anyone. Damn closet.