Dreaming...

In January, I will have been having this recurring dream for about a year now. It goes like this:

I am at some venue in my hometown. It is sometimes a restaurant, other times a furniture store, sometimes it is in someone's home, but it has always been in a different location.

I am with a girl who I am at least somewhat attracted to (I guess). It is always a different girl.

The details of what exactly is going on are fairly fuzzy (nothing specific happens), but I know that we are always laying down and there are sexual undertones to the situation (thought everyone remains fully clothed throughout the dream). It isn't outwardly explicit but certainly there is an element of eroticism.

In the dream, my sentiments toward what is going on are a little apathetic. It is kind of nice, I guess, but nothing special or amazing.

Then suddenly a guy walks in. Again, it is always a different guy. My attention turns toward him, and the girl fades away. I am filled with incredible sensations, my veins are like fire and my stomach is full of butterflies. I feel a sense of comfort and relief. It feels good. It feels right.

And then the dream ends.

Updates and a Reply

Well, it's all pretty much finalized in my mind. I will apply to begin at the University of Washington beginning in March, and my time left in Utah grows short. It was a tough and very multi-faceted decision. In the end I guess the final straw was realizing that attending a university that brings conditions into my life that make me feel like killing myself is not worth it no matter what. So I am getting out.

Also, I haven't been posting much, so I figured I would let you all in on an email I recieved from my aunt the other week. The circumstances were brought about by facebook and a group I joined but then promptly left. She saw it and was offending which resulted in:

Dear Tommy,

27 October 2008

I'm worried about you. I figured all of the stress and hype about proposition 8 might be unpleasant for you, and I've tried to keep in touch to make sure that you were handling it okay.

When your post on email said that you had joined the Nazis for CA's Prop.8, I checked it out. Like so many other No on 8 places, it seemed to be lacking in tolerance, at least.

I understand that you were being facetious and that you probably weren't trying to hurt my feelings, or anyone else's.

My concern is with the intensity of some of your comments. We've discussed the importance in your situation, in everyone's situation, of following the Spirit in our lives. An earmark of someone who is filled with the Spirit is the abundance of genuine love for other people. You expressed that to me in a phone call a while ago.

Since then it seems like your life has taken a terrible turn for the worse. Honestly, I don't think someone who is filled with the Spirit would choose to associate himself with such a hateful post. It is a manifestation of the harsh turmoil and confusion that seems to surround you these days.

I am concerned that, instead of trying to align yourself with the Lord's will for you and His plan for your life, you are trying to make Him (and His Church) bend to your will or be ridiculed for not doing so. This is a clear earmark of pride, and, pride, if allowed to remain unchecked, always leads to unhappiness.

I really want you to have a satisfying, happy life. I know that you have had a testimony of the gospel. I know that your spirit is strong enough and has been close enough to the Lord that you will never be content with partial closeness to the Lord, or to His Spirit.

As one who loves you, I beg you to humbly pray to Heavenly Father, with a willingness to follow His will no matter how hard it is, until you are again filled with love and peace. I know that this is the only path to happiness in this life and the next.

I have no desire to hurt or offend you. If I have misspoken or given any offense, I hope you can temper it with the understanding that no matter what you do, there will always be a unique place in my heart for only you, and that that place is filled with love and affection.

Sincerely and with love"

To which I (eventually) replied:

Hi! Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I planned on waiting a week before replying, but with me spending 10+ hours every day on campus alone it has dragged beyond that.

Also, I have written about 3 different drafts of this email (all of which were fairly long and were brilliant writings...), but in the end I think it best to keep it short.

I understand your concerns and appreciate your concern. I have a quite a few thoughts in response, but will only share these: Firstly, if you are trying to track/determine the condition of another's soul and character, Facebook is not the best source for that. I might equate it with getting news from the tabloids. Secondly, I knew how I would be received from the beginning. I knew emails like this would come, and that this is how I would be viewed. I am actually suprised at how long it has taken for that to occur. (Although intellectual preperation doesn't make the misunderstanding any more easy to deal with when it comes.) In the first few months of this year I realized that my own self respect and dignity are perhaps two of the best gifts I can give the world, and I reject the notion that I owe one person an apology/explanation for my choices.

Just know that I have left no stone unturned and I have extensively, deeply, methodically, and prayerfully considered every aspect of this issue. I am fully aware of the potential repurcussions on all sides and of every choice. You might think this naive of me, and while I dont know and cannot predict what the future holds, I know what my heart holds and am prepared for all that I will face. Of course I will make mistakes along the way, but that is just the human condition and I apologize if one of these mistakes has offended you or hurt your feelings.

Additionally, the Lord (and the Lord alone) understands my heart and if I were to face him today, I would not be embarassed. He knows and understands. Just realize that as you are indeed on "the outside looking in," there is so much that you cannot understand, and therefore I accept your views and will take the heat.

With deepest love,
Tommy

Pros and Cons

Yes, yes I did. I actually made a pro and con list, and perhaps for the first time. Here are the ups and downs of transferring to the University of Washington. I might add more as I think of them.


Transferring to UW, Pros and Cons

Pro
• I would be free from Big Brother (the Honor Code) constantly breathing down my neck.
• I would be in Seattle. I LOVE Seattle…
• I would be able to be truly open and authentic.
• I would be reunited with many of my best friends.
• I would be close to my hometown and family.
• I love the energy/vibes the Northwest seems to have.
• I have a lot more fun with my Washingtonian friends… not that I don’t like my friends here, but somehow its different
• I would be free from mandated religion and would be able to choose the role the Church plays in my life.
• I would have a circle of straight friends, which I long for. At BYU its hard to find straight people I can truly be open around without risking honor code discipline.
• Because of that, I can only be open in gay circles, and therefore I spend most of my time with gay people and all they seem to be able to talk about is being gay which is annoying.
• The gay circle I hang out with now will all graduate at least 3 semesters before me, if not more, so I would have to find all new friends

Con
• My roots are already set in Provo. My systems are up. I am settled in.
• I have just finished breaking all the way into a social circle and would have to do it all over.
• I wouldn’t have as strong of a gay mormon support group.
• Potentially lesser chances of a finding a decent guy.
• I wouldn’t be able to do as much to promote understanding and build bridges between the gay and straight worlds. I could make more of a difference here.
• I would miss all the wonderful friends I have made.
• I like the academics at BYU.
• BYU is so inexpensive!
• I would have to figure out how to get all my stuff back from provo to seattle
• Would I just be running from my problems? Or is it that BYU is the source of my problems?
• Would I still be forced to think and analyze my personal life and truly figure things out? In an environment like BYU, one has to know exactly what they believe and why they believe that.

A Momentous Decision

I have been thinking about something a lot lately and I think I have made my decision about it now.

Bittersweetly, my tenure at BYU is coming to a close and this will be my last semester. I am going to transfer to the University of Washington in Seattle.


I feel very good about this choice. Immediately after realizing this is what I want to do, I felt a large weight lifted from my shoulders. I suppose I still might decide to finish out Winter semester here at BYU, but I think the sooner I transfer the easier it will be. Having 4 full semesters before transferring begins to make it difficult.

But I truly do feel good about this and am looking forward to heading back to my homeland. It's time.

Lies Surrounding Prop 8 and Arguments Against it (from my Facebook)

I originally wrote this as a note that I posted on Facebook, but it has been forever since I have posted on here, so I'm putting it up here also. Although most of my blog readers are also on Facebook and have probably already seen it.


After reading the responses to my last note, I have realized how much complete misinformation about Prop 8 is being spread.

It is true that California does have the most extensive system of domestic partnerships and Prop 8 does not legally change very much for same sex couples. Regardless, there are still many myths being circulated among volunteers that are not only unfounded and untrue (it takes very little research to put each of these myths to rest), but are a form of scare tactics, which are sadly working quite well. It is a sad day when the "Yes on 8" people resort to lies and the spreading of fear as a sort of last stand against gay marriages. I have heard some people even citing General Authorities as believing in some of these myths, which just about makes me want to vomit.

No matter what happens in November, there will be large groups of people who are upset and/or hurt. The 1st and 14th Amendments are in a very, very precarious dance and even the slightest change could tip the scales. Certainly religion will not go completely unaffected if gay marriage is allowed to continue, but I seriously doubt it will be a drastic change for the worse.


Lets begin by looking at a few of the untruths, and then I will link you to sources that more fully discuss the issues, which you should look at if you are planning on voting in good conscious in November.

Myth
Churches may be sued over their tax-exempt status if they refuse to allow same-sex marriage ceremonies in their buildings.

This is theoretically and potentially possible, but will almost certainly not occur. In order to do this, the IRS would have to prove that the LDS Church's stance is not in harmony with public interest and is completely at odds with the community conscience, so far so that any benefit that the Church provides to society is completely undermined. It is extremely unlikely that the IRS would take or succeed in such an action.
Additionally, the Church is not forced to marry same-sex couples in Massachusetts, where gay marriage has been legal for some time now. The Church is not forced to allow, say, Jehovah's Witnesses to marry in our temples. The temples aren't open to the public to begin with. No, legalizing gay marriage will not result in the Church's loss of tax breaks.

Myth
Churches will be forced to marry same sex couples even if they don't want to.

This is taken directly from page of 117 the Court’s decision. "Finally, affording same-sex couples the opportunity to obtain the designation of marriage will not impinge upon the religious freedom of any religious organization, official, or any other person; no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs."
Well, there goes that myth.

Myth
But if we legalize gay marriage, next polygamy will have to be legal! Then people will want to marry animals next!

This is a prime example of the fallacy of the slippery slope. Also, Mormons should be the very last group to make this argument. Who wants to marry an animal anyways? Could the animal sign the wedding certificate? Need I go on?

Myth
Children in public schools will have to be taught that same-sex marriage is just as good as traditional marriage.

Regarding curriculum in California, the law states:

• Instruction and materials shall teach respect for marriage and committed relationships.
  
• Instruction and materials shall be appropriate for use with pupils of all races, genders, sexual orientations, ethnic and cultural backgrounds, and pupils with disabilities.
  
• Instruction and materials shall be age appropriate.
  
• All factual information presented shall be medically accurate and objective.
  
• Instruction and materials shall encourage a pupil to communicate with his or her parents or guardians about human sexuality.
  

There is little evidence any of this will change regardless of the outcome of the vote. Teaching respect for marriage and committed relationships, and teaching about the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood are good lessons for students regardless of sexual orientation.
Plus, God forbid a homosexual child might grow up thinking his/her future relationships might be legitimate. God forbid a young homosexual child might grow up without all the pain and self-loathing that comes with being gay. A gay child allowed to be open and authentic from the beginning? Unthinkable! God forbid that the next generation of children will not grow up being prejudiced towards homosexuals.

Argument
In their letter to the members of California in June, the First Presidency said, "In March 2000 California voters overwhelmingly approved a state law providing the 'Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.' The California Supreme Court recently reversed this vote of the people." This seems to imply large distaste for the Courts. May I point out that perhaps it is part of the duty of the courts to overrule the people when the actions they are taking and voting for are discriminatory?

Argument
During one of the lectures in my LDS Marriage and Family class, we learned that 100% of marriages not performed in the Temple end in divorce (upon death, the pair is no longer bound). While I don't believe that,it is the line of Mormon thought. Continuing down that path, it would seem to mean that a heterosexual marriage and a homosexual marriage not performed in the temple would have equal eternal worth: none. So after you pass Prop 8, please try to legislate it so that no one who is not LDS can marry at all, since it doesn't matter anyways. (Note my facetiousness.)

Argument
We must ‘preserve the traditional marriage and family’ and ‘children deserve to grow up with traditional parents.”

First of all, the notion of a “traditional family” is a bit of an illusion. What tradition? Where? Early 19th century traditional marriages when married women had no legal standing, could not own property, sign contracts, or legally control any earned wages? ‘Traditional’ LDS marriages involving more than one bride? Did you know that even today there are more polygamous societies than monogamous? The purposes of marriage vary greatly over cultures and short periods of time.
If I, as a single gay man were to adopt children, no one would have any beef with it. But add another man to the mix and suddenly everything is changed. Is it better that a child spends their entire life in the adoption system, never receiving a family or the love they deserve than with a gay couple? Heterosexuals often have children by accident. Homosexuals have a history of having to fight very hard in order to become parents. If a gay couple is looking to adopt, one can be assured they really want it. I think homosexuals make absolutely fabulous parents!

Argument
“God has made his position on homosexuality and homosexual relationships/marriages very clear.”

Where? The Book of Mormon? The words of Christ? The Church leaders surely have a stance, however that stance and their procedures of dealing with homosexuals has changed dramatically over the past 30 or 40 years. Who is to say it will not continue to change? Do I need to pull out the quotes of Church leaders regarding blacks and the Priesthood? The LDS Church evolves rapidly.
For me, it all comes down to personal revelation. After immense soul searching God told me quite differently. I had to fight for every ounce of revelation I have gotten, and it was a long and arduous road (and one that I am still on). It is not a path for the faint of heart. Though all this, I have been able to come to no conclusion other than 1: personal revelation trumps the blanket advice of the Bretheren and 2: God endorses my homosexuality and perusal of a relationship in the status thereof. If there is anything I have spiritual confirmation of in the whole world, it is this. While I will never deny the spiritual experiences of others, neither will I allow them to deny mine.

One more thing on a more personal note. In response to my last note, a friend wrote me regarding their support of me entering a domestic partnership and being happy, but at the same time expressing their devotion to marriage as being divinely instituted to be between a man and a woman. In response, I said: "...one day if I ever have a life partner, what you said in your message implicitly states that my relationship with him is not as important nor as valid as your relationship with your spouse is. And that is what hurts the most about it." It is true, and is a point I have yet to hear anyone successfully argue against. They all express their love for me and at the same time reinforce those notions and deny us respect and dignity.


The sky will not and has not fallen with the ushering in of gay marriage.

PS (Congratulations to Connecticut)

Flip Flop

I wanted to say a little about my feelings about the Church. If you can't tell from some of my previous posts, I go back and forth a lot.

Some days, I am terribly bitter. I get upset at the institution of the Church and its leaders. I feel like I never want to step into another chapel again.

Other days, I am intensely nostalgic. I desperately miss the Church and all that it was to me during high school. It makes me really sad that this is how things have to be.

Oftentimes, I will compose a blog entry, but not post it. The next day I go back to read it and I don't feel the same way anymore, so I don't end up posting it. I suppose one day my flip-flopiness will balance out to a pleasant equilibrium, or at least that is what I hope will happen.



And this video is fantastic. Beautiful and profound.

Out and About

I officially came out to my first friend on January 29, 2008.

As of August 15, 2008, I officially have no one left on my list to come out to.

I am now completely out to everyone in my life. It feels strange; it feels surreal. I never would have thought that I would ever get to the point I am at. Throughout my adolescence my homosexuality seemed as if it was going to be something that I kept to myself my entire life. At best, I only thought a few people would ever know. Now everyone knows, and I couldn't go back even if I wanted to.

A part of me still feels vulnerable, but above all, I feel great. I don't have to hide anything from anyone anymore. I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do without worrying about other people. A lot of people don't necessarily agree with my plans for the future, but they still trust and love me and aren't going to let that get in the way of our relationship.

I feel so free and so open and so much better than I had expected.