Some people have asked me, “Why are you going back to that hell hole [meaning BYU] in Fall?”
To start, I didn’t hate BYU. It was tough being there, but I didn’t hate it. I loved my classes. I liked campus. I liked the people in my Ward. I liked my Bishop. I enjoyed my friends and roommates. It was inexpensive. I was just going through an intense spiritual journey that didn’t mesh with Mormon doctrine very well, which is where things got interesting for me.
I wont hesitate to tell you that my time at BYU was difficult and probably the most painful 8 or 9 months of my life, but I don’t lay all of the blame on the school for that. I don’t think of my time there as time spent in a “hell hole.” There were things that I needed to go through as part of my life’s spiritual journey that were inherently painful, and just because I happened to be at the location of BYU doesn’t mean that its is totally BYU’s fault.
That being said, BYU did play a big part in inciting all of the inner turmoil I was in. I was in the throes of re-evaluating my true-believing-Mormon paradigm. I had reached a point in my life where I no longer could continue to just trust every word that came out of the mouths of the Brethren. I was exploring the intricacies of doubt and paradox and faith. I was finding out what rang true for me spiritually and what did not, what I was comfortable with and what I could not allow myself to believe. I was attempting to throw out the bathwater but keep the baby. Apart from re-thinking my faith, I was simultaneously coming to an acceptance of my own homosexuality.
Having a parting of ways with one’s religion and coming to term with one’s homosexuality is a lot for one plate to handle, but I think it was vital for my journey.
Being at BYU and in that ultra-Mormon environment forced me to do several things. At a secular school, I could have believed and done anything that I wanted, and no one would have cared either way. I would have had no pressure to do any one thing.
At a religious school (especially BYU), it did matter a whole lot what I thought and what I believed and what I did. Being there forced me to analyze my beliefs and my hypocrisies. I had to think about things from different angles and truly battle with what I believed. The tension and the discomfort I felt were strong motivators to figure things out. I needed the extremism that is found there to be a counterpoint to me deciding for myself what resounds as Truth in my soul.
Now that I am away from BYU for the summer, I am surrounded by many people who are quite liberal and don’t care what I do either way. On one hand, it has been a much-needed escape to all of the pressure and tension of BYU. I really did need a break from all the intense soul searching I did there; the tension I felt at BYU was pretty profound. I have been away for almost two months now and have had the emotional rest and recuperation time I needed.
On the other hand, I haven’t been advancing in my spirituality as quickly as I did while at BYU. I don’t feel any stress in the situation I am currently in, so there is no natural motivator to get me to think deeply. There are still things in my life that I need to resolve with religion, both as it relates to my sexuality and independently.
So I am going back. I could use another round of deep introspection. I still have questions I need to answer before I can move on to the next stage of my life. I know it will probably somewhat painful again, but I am prepared for it this time.
Aside from the philosophical motivations in returning, I have social motivations also. I think that having a support group of other homosexuals is important for anyone with sexual identity questions. At BYU, there is a support group of people who are not only gay but are also Mormon and at the same stage of life that I am in. I think that is especially important. So I am also going back for that.
There are several things I am apprehensive about (a post all on its own), but generally I am looking forward to returning. In fact, the more I think about it the more I miss it.
To start, I didn’t hate BYU. It was tough being there, but I didn’t hate it. I loved my classes. I liked campus. I liked the people in my Ward. I liked my Bishop. I enjoyed my friends and roommates. It was inexpensive. I was just going through an intense spiritual journey that didn’t mesh with Mormon doctrine very well, which is where things got interesting for me.
I wont hesitate to tell you that my time at BYU was difficult and probably the most painful 8 or 9 months of my life, but I don’t lay all of the blame on the school for that. I don’t think of my time there as time spent in a “hell hole.” There were things that I needed to go through as part of my life’s spiritual journey that were inherently painful, and just because I happened to be at the location of BYU doesn’t mean that its is totally BYU’s fault.
That being said, BYU did play a big part in inciting all of the inner turmoil I was in. I was in the throes of re-evaluating my true-believing-Mormon paradigm. I had reached a point in my life where I no longer could continue to just trust every word that came out of the mouths of the Brethren. I was exploring the intricacies of doubt and paradox and faith. I was finding out what rang true for me spiritually and what did not, what I was comfortable with and what I could not allow myself to believe. I was attempting to throw out the bathwater but keep the baby. Apart from re-thinking my faith, I was simultaneously coming to an acceptance of my own homosexuality.
Having a parting of ways with one’s religion and coming to term with one’s homosexuality is a lot for one plate to handle, but I think it was vital for my journey.
Being at BYU and in that ultra-Mormon environment forced me to do several things. At a secular school, I could have believed and done anything that I wanted, and no one would have cared either way. I would have had no pressure to do any one thing.
At a religious school (especially BYU), it did matter a whole lot what I thought and what I believed and what I did. Being there forced me to analyze my beliefs and my hypocrisies. I had to think about things from different angles and truly battle with what I believed. The tension and the discomfort I felt were strong motivators to figure things out. I needed the extremism that is found there to be a counterpoint to me deciding for myself what resounds as Truth in my soul.
Now that I am away from BYU for the summer, I am surrounded by many people who are quite liberal and don’t care what I do either way. On one hand, it has been a much-needed escape to all of the pressure and tension of BYU. I really did need a break from all the intense soul searching I did there; the tension I felt at BYU was pretty profound. I have been away for almost two months now and have had the emotional rest and recuperation time I needed.
On the other hand, I haven’t been advancing in my spirituality as quickly as I did while at BYU. I don’t feel any stress in the situation I am currently in, so there is no natural motivator to get me to think deeply. There are still things in my life that I need to resolve with religion, both as it relates to my sexuality and independently.
So I am going back. I could use another round of deep introspection. I still have questions I need to answer before I can move on to the next stage of my life. I know it will probably somewhat painful again, but I am prepared for it this time.
Aside from the philosophical motivations in returning, I have social motivations also. I think that having a support group of other homosexuals is important for anyone with sexual identity questions. At BYU, there is a support group of people who are not only gay but are also Mormon and at the same stage of life that I am in. I think that is especially important. So I am also going back for that.
There are several things I am apprehensive about (a post all on its own), but generally I am looking forward to returning. In fact, the more I think about it the more I miss it.
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