I <3 Rain!

I had a sudden urge to be productive and write. At first, I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized it was because it started raining outside, and rain really puts me in my groove. Oh I am such a product of Seattle.

In other news, the 7 year old girl I nanny for called me out today for wearing a girl’s shirt. In my defense, I bought it without realizing it was a girl’s shirt; it was super cheap so I just grabbed it. The design on it is gender neutral, but the fit is definitely more feminine; the neck is a little wider, the sleeves shorter, and very fitted. However, I do not say so apologetically. I am by no means opposed to wearing women’s shirts. I often browse the women’s department for clothes that I could pull off (especially the jeans). The only shirt I have bought consciously knowing it was a girl’s shirt was this one:


What can I say? It was on clearance and I needed something to wear to Pride… ;-)


Speaking of jeans, I have a funny progression in my jean sizes to describe.
In 10th grade, I used to buy size 32x32. Then I realized I was a 32x30. I had one pair of 31x30 but didn’t like them. In 12th grade, I bought two pairs of Levi’s size 30x30. That was a big step for me. One was the Slim Straight fit and I didn’t wear them for a long time because I was embarrassed that they were too tight and I felt emo. My freshman year of college they became my favorite jeans. Now, I wear those jeans when I want to wear something a little looser and more airy. The jeans I buy now are slim fitted 28x30’s. (and its not because I am skinnier) That is about as small as i can wear. Also, I regularly try on girl pants but haven’t found any I really like yet (I think I wear a size 6 though). When I do though, I will not hesitate nor be embarrassed to buy them.


The housekeeper came earlier this week and I realized that I was totally outed to her as she tidied my bathroom and room.

Incriminating Evidence:

Room:

• The rainbow “embrace diversity” banner on the dresser
• Three kinds of pink lip gloss (roll on, brush on, squeeze on) on the dest
• A copy of The Advocate on the dresser
• A flyer for a dance party coming up with Queer written in big bold letters across it on the nightstand
• 8 pairs of shoes on the floor
• My knitting on the bed
• Clothes in closet organized according to color
• etc.
  

Bathroom:

• Medicine cabinet full of hair and face products such as:
• Apricot Mango Radiance Shave Gel
  
• Herbal Essences hair spray (Cactus Flower and Bamboo scented…. Mmm)
• Rose Hip scented Herbal Essences Shampoo & Conditioner (my ALL TIME favorite)
• Garnier Fructis Molding Wax
  
• Well-used tweezers
• etc.
  

Very gay.

Bits and Pieces.

I don't feel like composing a whole post. So here are a bunch of random thoughts.



I sprained my left oblique abdominal muscle last week coughing. It really hurts.

I went to the Burlington, Vermont Pride Fest (Cirque du So Gay) recently and I LOVED it.

I am so over and done with the LDS Church.

Everyone has me feeling like I am marching off to my doom by returning to BYU, and they might be correct.

I have made a lot of friends out here in NY/VT but they all live an hour drive and a $20 ferry ticket away.

I love earl gray tea and decaf soy lattes.

I really love hazelnut espresso milkshakes. mmmm

I feel happy and satisfied with life but still feel I am in need of a good session of bawl-my-eyes out catharsis.

My favorite song of all time is Into The West, as sung by Annie Lennox.

I understand that many gay and lds people are very conflicted and are in great pain, but I don't want to be around their depression anymore.

I feel like taking a break from blogging.

I miss my friends from high school and college and church and elsewhere who are now spread across the country.

I've never been in a relationship before. I want to.

I've never tasted alcohol. I don't want to.

Two days after the consumption of caffeine, I get a migraine.

I still have issues being able to express my feelings to anyone. Damn closet.

Still Just Me

A wave of gratitude just hit me so I'm posting about it.


I came out in March and:

To my parents, I am still just their son. Not their gay son.

To my siblings, I am their still just brother. Not their gay brother.

To my aunts and uncles, I am still just their nephew. Not their gay nephew.

The same goes for my friends. Although we have a lot of fun with the gay thing.

And that is awesome.

Blacks and Gays

In one of my political science classes at BYU last fall, we had a guest speaker come and talk about civil rights. Incidentally, he was the first black man to go through the temple after the ban was lifted.

During question and answer time, someone raised their hand and asked what he thought about people drawing parallels between the civil rights movement and the gay rights movement. The guest speaker thought that the notion was highly offensive and asked if gays were sprayed with firehoses and segregated etc..

I suppose he is right in a way, but I still must disagree.

The volume of incidents against blacks is indeed much greater and more extreme. The history of the civil rights movement is a violent one. And though we cannot go so far as to say that the two are exactly alike, neither can we say that they are incomparable.

I think it all comes down to the closet. According the 2000 US Census, 12.3% of American citizens are African American. And although estimates range from an extreme low of 2% to an extreme high of 10-15%, I'd say between 6 and 8% of the population are gay. If there was some undeniable, unmistakable and unavoidable biological marker of homosexuality, I think that the similarities between the two groups would be much greater. If one could tell that someone was gay from a mile away, it is probable that the number of gay hate crimes would be much, much higher.

One cannot conceal being black. One can conceal being gay. If it weren't for this, I do not think it implausible to think that the history of homosexuality would be inordinately different and much more violent.



And now, a little relevant satire.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33334

Disappointing Yet Expected

On Sunday, June 29, 2008, a letter regarding the recent decision of the California Supreme Court will be read from the pulpit in all Wards and Branches of that state. The letter has been confirmed by the Church Spokesman as authentic. This is the letter in full.


Dear Brethren and Sisters,

In March 2000 California voters overwhelmingly approved a state law providing the "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." The California Supreme Court recently reversed this vote of the people. On November 4, 2008, Californians will vote on a proposed amendment to the California state constitution that will now restore the March 2000 definition of marriage approved by the voters.

The Church's teachings and position on this moral issue are unequivocal. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and the formation of families is central to the Creator's plan for His children. Children are entitled to be born within this bond of marriage.

A broad-based coalition of churches and other organizations placed the proposed amendment on the ballot. The Church will participate with this coalition in seeking its passage. Local Church leaders will provide information about how you may become involved in this important cause.

We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman. Our best efforts are required to preserve the sacred institution of marriage.

Sincerely Yours,

Thomas S. Monson
Henry B. Eyring
Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The First Presidency

Pre-Existence

Somehow I doubt it works like this, but still.

Going Back. Rolling Forward.

Some people have asked me, “Why are you going back to that hell hole [meaning BYU] in Fall?”


To start, I didn’t hate BYU. It was tough being there, but I didn’t hate it. I loved my classes. I liked campus. I liked the people in my Ward. I liked my Bishop. I enjoyed my friends and roommates. It was inexpensive. I was just going through an intense spiritual journey that didn’t mesh with Mormon doctrine very well, which is where things got interesting for me.

I wont hesitate to tell you that my time at BYU was difficult and probably the most painful 8 or 9 months of my life, but I don’t lay all of the blame on the school for that. I don’t think of my time there as time spent in a “hell hole.” There were things that I needed to go through as part of my life’s spiritual journey that were inherently painful, and just because I happened to be at the location of BYU doesn’t mean that its is totally BYU’s fault.

That being said, BYU did play a big part in inciting all of the inner turmoil I was in. I was in the throes of re-evaluating my true-believing-Mormon paradigm. I had reached a point in my life where I no longer could continue to just trust every word that came out of the mouths of the Brethren. I was exploring the intricacies of doubt and paradox and faith. I was finding out what rang true for me spiritually and what did not, what I was comfortable with and what I could not allow myself to believe. I was attempting to throw out the bathwater but keep the baby. Apart from re-thinking my faith, I was simultaneously coming to an acceptance of my own homosexuality.

Having a parting of ways with one’s religion and coming to term with one’s homosexuality is a lot for one plate to handle, but I think it was vital for my journey.

Being at BYU and in that ultra-Mormon environment forced me to do several things. At a secular school, I could have believed and done anything that I wanted, and no one would have cared either way. I would have had no pressure to do any one thing.

At a religious school (especially BYU), it did matter a whole lot what I thought and what I believed and what I did. Being there forced me to analyze my beliefs and my hypocrisies. I had to think about things from different angles and truly battle with what I believed. The tension and the discomfort I felt were strong motivators to figure things out. I needed the extremism that is found there to be a counterpoint to me deciding for myself what resounds as Truth in my soul.

Now that I am away from BYU for the summer, I am surrounded by many people who are quite liberal and don’t care what I do either way. On one hand, it has been a much-needed escape to all of the pressure and tension of BYU. I really did need a break from all the intense soul searching I did there; the tension I felt at BYU was pretty profound. I have been away for almost two months now and have had the emotional rest and recuperation time I needed.

On the other hand, I haven’t been advancing in my spirituality as quickly as I did while at BYU. I don’t feel any stress in the situation I am currently in, so there is no natural motivator to get me to think deeply. There are still things in my life that I need to resolve with religion, both as it relates to my sexuality and independently.

So I am going back. I could use another round of deep introspection. I still have questions I need to answer before I can move on to the next stage of my life. I know it will probably somewhat painful again, but I am prepared for it this time.

Aside from the philosophical motivations in returning, I have social motivations also. I think that having a support group of other homosexuals is important for anyone with sexual identity questions. At BYU, there is a support group of people who are not only gay but are also Mormon and at the same stage of life that I am in. I think that is especially important. So I am also going back for that.

There are several things I am apprehensive about (a post all on its own), but generally I am looking forward to returning. In fact, the more I think about it the more I miss it.